Hi there Joana,

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Firstly thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. I understand this might feel disconcerting that you don’t feel you can see yourself in a negative mind frame. However, now you’re conscious, you’ve accepted it, and you have more self-awareness of what’s going on. So please, take a deep breath and show yourself a lot of self-kindness here. 

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You clearly care about your partner and you have hit upon an important point that if we do not adopt kind communication with our partner - we are at risk of a failed relationship. The more we behave and act in a way that brings up conflict, the greater emphasis we place on threats in our communication as opposed to the rewards. Being on the receiving end of a threat is stressful and can bring up adverse emotions. After a while, it can be frustrating and annoying. This can have disastrous results for long-term relationships, as well as all types of relationships across our lives.

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Renowned psychologist, John Gottman of the University of Washington, once predicted the success and failure of couples with an incredible accuracy of 83%. He did this simply by analysing a fifteen-minute conversation between partners. He uses a ‘magic ratio’ of 5 to 1 to predict a happy relationship: for every (1) negative feeling, exchange, or communication between them, there must be 5 positive feelings or interactions to offset them.

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When we have been with our partners for a while, we pass the stage known commonly as the honeymoon phase. We stop trying to please one another and we can often slip back into ‘old habits’. It might be you’ve experienced expressions of negativity most of your life, or maybe it’s a learned behaviour from a young age, I can’t say until we talk more together.  I can, however,  assure you that our mindset is elastic. You can shape yours into adopting an outlook that’s more positive.

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If you’re willing to commit time and be disciplined, then we can start rewiring your brain to foster a positive attitude, change the way you interact with your friends and support a stronger, healthier, and happier long-term relationship with your boyfriend. 

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The simple solution is two-fold and easy, and you’ll feel the results in less than one month: 

1. Integrate 5 minutes of gratitude practice into your daily routine, and

2. Start practicing being thankful with your partner. 

 

Regarding the first part of the solution, there’s a lot of guidance to integrate daily gratitude practice into your life in the toolkit I have provided. Just to reiterate how important this is, Joana, and how it sits at the polar opposite of where your thoughts and interactions are with your boyfriend and friends right now (based on the information you’ve shared with me). 

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When you have just one grateful thought, this immediately delivers an increase of 10% in feelings of happiness and reduces low and depressive symptoms by 35%. When you do the opposite – you have a negative thought and you deliver it to another person - both of you are registering it as a threat! (Yes, even you!) Your boyfriend is going to do one of these things:

• fight, or take action to eliminate the perceived danger (i.e. you!)

• flee, which involves escaping the danger (maybe temporary now, but it could be permanent)

• freeze, which involves a state of paralysis (and most likely no response at all)

 

There’s also research showing a fourth elicited response, ‘fawn’, where we appease (cue pleaser mode) to eliminate the threat. In any case, do you want your boyfriend or yourself to be in this mode? Being more thankful can change how we perceive and frame things like your boyfriend doing home chores. This could even be framed in a positive way, for example, it could be a great opportunity to take this responsibility in turns, so each of you has space and time for a hobby.

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Let’s move on to part 2 of the solution: practicie being thankful with your partner. Now, the expression of being thankful together is a two-way positive practice in a relationship. It nurtures a stronger bond, greater feelings of intimacy, and overall increased contentment in your relationship.  Hundreds of research studies have shown that the practice of showing gratitude to your partner is perceived as an expression of love:

• Recognising each other’s unique qualities

• Showing mutual care and support

• Valuing each other’s role within the relationship

• Feeling a sense of belonging to one another

 

As a partner, you become more empathetic, understanding, and more appreciative. If you want to make your relationship “bullet-proof”, you could practice gratitude for one another in these ways:

1. Gratitude journal about one another, sharing something you’re grateful for about the person every day. Case studies have shown this improves perceived feelings of intimacy, levels of support, and general appreciation in just 14 days.

2. Co-write a 5-Minute Gratitude Journal. Either starting or ending your day, you could snuggle up and write a few gratitudes for each other and read them aloud.

3. Create a verbal habit where you each share something you’re thankful for with your partner every day. Attach it to an existing daily habit - like dinner, morning coffee, the catch-up conversation coming back from work. Turn off Netflix, put away your phones, and share how the other person makes you feel good.

4. Bank your loving gratitude for a rainy or special day. You can choose to share them on a special occasion, their birthday, anniversary, when your partner needs a mood boost, or even just a way to kick off Mondays (bringing light to the Monday blues!)

5. Show recognition for who your partner is, just by sharing it with them. Tell your partner you love them because they’re honest, kind, funny, compassionate, calming, nurturing, adventurous, generous, etc. Don’t wait for a specific moment, just express it!

6. Say thank you! The easiest way to practice gratitude is to say thank you more.

 

So there we have it Joana! You can start expressing your thankfulness today, costing you nothing, but with a potentially big happiness reward! Sit down with your partner, tell him how you want to change, and align your 2-part solution. My partner and I share gratitude every day whilst we’re cooking, taking turns to express our thankfulness. It takes just 1-2 minutes and it always makes me feel warm inside. But most importantly, I can see the man I have in front of me and I am so appreciative of that clarity. I also use a gratitude app for my personal journalling, so I’m doubling up every day, and it’s still only 5 minutes in total per day!

 

With heart and integrity,

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Mehibe,

The -C- Coach